With.

With so many things happening at home right now, I wonder how am I able to break free from all the problems and enjoy myself in Europe. Plus when I see nice pics from the Toogees' trip to Redang. I feel so.... Sigh...

Maybe I am still too serious about everything in life, that's why things turn out like that. If I am able to just let it go, let nature takes its course and don't take all the blame by myself, perhaps I will be a happier girl?

I need to be happier. I don't want to become a burden to anyone who loves me. I want to be more confident about myself, my abilities, my talents, my looks (or the lack of it. whatever.) I just want a new lease of life. To do the things I like, go to places I want, lead the kind of life I yearn for and be a good friend to my friends. To be filial to my parents. But apparently I am not doing enough, that's why things turn out the way they are now.

Why do things turn out like that? I have been asking that for a long time. WW said, "there is no why. Things are just like that. You have to accept the fact that sometimes you cant do anything to help it." Really? There's really nothing I can do? Yes there is. But I have to put down my pride and dignity and 'beg for forgiveness'. Which I have been doing since young. Which has been eating away my self-confidence since young. I am sick of doing that. Why can't things just work in favour of me for once?

I just don't want my family to send me off at the airport. The choir changed the time to 7pm, just nice cuz my dad can't send me so the rest of the family isn't. I dun wan my aunt to send me off cuz she'll just send me off with her black face. And my dad with his depressed look. I recalled the times my family sent me off on my choir trips, and they have always been happy. Until now. Things are so different now. And they have stayed different for quite long already. I am so so so scared it will stay different forever, then things will change forever. No longer happy. Only bitterness and depression. Only.